The Everyday Girl Guide to: James (Be Careful What You Blog For…)

June 18, 2013

… or you just might get it.

In my last post, I blithely proclaimed,

If trials lead to perseverance and perseverance leads to me being made complete… bring on the trials.

Seriously, this is like when you watch a scary movie and a character goes to do something and you are screaming at the screen, “Don’t do it!  Go the other… aaaaarrrrhhh, can’t you see what’s going to happen?”

Just like characters in movies can’t see where the bad guys are, I can’t always see when my innocent little words are going to land me deep in a pit of despair.  That’s what happened on Friday… and to truly understand, you have to get a little more of my background than I want to share… but I’m going to share it anyway.

I don’t have primary custody of my kids.  I lost them in the divorce for a combination of reasons, including some pretty stupid choices on my part.  I’m a good mom.  On my better days, I’m even a great mom… but the courts decided that I wasn’t good enough.

I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  I had a few childhood dreams: marine biologist, navy fighter pilot, teacher… but mom was the real goal.  I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom for the first nine years of my oldest’s life and I got to experience a little bit of that pure joy that comes from doing what you have always been meant to do.

Then my marriage ended and that all got ripped away.  Worse, the legal system told me that not only was I not a very good mom, I wasn’t good enough to raise my own kids.

Lately, I’ve been feeling an itch to go back to court and try to get back primary custody.  Some of it is from my own wants and desires; some of it was sparked by events.  But I must’ve learned something over the last four years, because I didn’t rush into it.  I put it before God and gave him a fleece.  (If you don’t know what I mean by fleece, go read Judges 6, especially verses 36-40.)

My  oldest son is very into drama and the performing arts.  I can appreciate that, since he gets it from me.  He’s wanted to go into acting for some time now.  His dad has been trying to get him into an elite acting high school (near dad, not near me) since the beginning of the year.

My fleece?  If I wasn’t supposed to pursue legal action to get my kids, then my son would be accepted into the school.

A few months ago, my son got a letter informing him that all the spots had been filled and he hadn’t been admitted into the school.  I rejoiced (mostly internally), but delayed actually filing the paperwork.  I wanted to get all my ducks in a row and wait until the kids were out of school (which was last Friday).

On Friday, I get an email from my ex informing me that a spot had opened up at the school and my oldest had been admitted after all.

Okay, God, yes, I gave you a fleece, but I was really thinking that you’d tilt things in my favor.  What’s up with this??!

I admit it.  I fell apart.  So much for that growing faith in God.  I was hurt, angry, and lost.

Fortunately, God has blessed me with some pretty exceptional people in my life and one was willing to talk me down from my crazy and direct me back to scripture.  He had me read Philippians and, slowly, I found peace.  Then, amazingly, I found the silver lining behind that dark cloud.

Sharing everything would take forever, so I’ll just leave it at God choosing to bless me in spite of my lack of faith… and in a way He could only have blessed me if I didn’t get my own way.

I still don’t get everything.  I won’t get everything.  God doesn’t work that way… I wouldn’t understand all His purposes even if He chose to share them with me.  But I do, just a little bit, get a sense of understanding with this one.

I’m not going to brazenly declare myself ready for any more trials right now, but I think I got to briefly find that state of grace I blogged about.  It’s a pretty amazing place to be.

(Thank you, T, for being an amazing man of God and a blessing to me.  There may never be crowns on Earth for your faith, but there will be in Heaven.)

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